rick314
06-25-2003, 05:13 PM
Application To Date My Daughter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, driving record, lineage, and current
certified medical report (including drug tests) from
your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________
DATE OF BIRTH________________
2. HEIGHT ______________
WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______
G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
___yes
___no
If No, EXPLAIN
_________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____
8. Do you own a van? ______
A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring,
or a tattoo? __________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
__________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY
DAUGHTER" mean to you?
________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean
to you?
________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________
How often do you attend _____________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _________________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is
______________________________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want
broken is my
______________________________________
c) A woman's place is in the
______________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not
ask me about is
______________________________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I
notice about her is
______________________________________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
____________________________________
Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose his
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I
am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for
me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway
for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit your car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL
INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT
POKERS.
________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six
years for processing. You will be notified in writing
if you are approved. Please do not try to call or
write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification
will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified
by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying
violin cases (You might want to watch your back).
This is your "last chance" to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question
#10. This guy didn't get it!
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.
__________________
Every day of my life, I'm forced to add another name to the list of people that pissed me off!!
I'm a nice guy. I bathe. Sure I got blue arms! So what! Doesn't make me a bad person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, driving record, lineage, and current
certified medical report (including drug tests) from
your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________
DATE OF BIRTH________________
2. HEIGHT ______________
WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______
G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
___yes
___no
If No, EXPLAIN
_________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____
8. Do you own a van? ______
A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring,
or a tattoo? __________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
__________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY
DAUGHTER" mean to you?
________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean
to you?
________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________
How often do you attend _____________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _________________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is
______________________________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want
broken is my
______________________________________
c) A woman's place is in the
______________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not
ask me about is
______________________________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I
notice about her is
______________________________________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
____________________________________
Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose his
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I
am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for
me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway
for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit your car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL
INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT
POKERS.
________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six
years for processing. You will be notified in writing
if you are approved. Please do not try to call or
write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification
will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified
by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying
violin cases (You might want to watch your back).
This is your "last chance" to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question
#10. This guy didn't get it!
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.
__________________
Every day of my life, I'm forced to add another name to the list of people that pissed me off!!
I'm a nice guy. I bathe. Sure I got blue arms! So what! Doesn't make me a bad person.