How to POOP at Work

[AKNUTZxx]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

happy poopin' ... :D

[308]

Thems some good ones :D

'course, homey don't play that when it's 85 degrees and the only toilet is a 5-day old porta-potty. :eek:

[JAGA]

:lool:

[NC_Rebel]

A rather colorful lady here in the office likes to say that she is headed down the hall to "drop the kids off at the pool." :D

[Noah Zark]

My late grandfather, a locomotive engineer, used to say that he "had to make a set-off", using the railroad reference to dropping off railcars in a siding as an idomatic expression for defecation.

Noah

[johnbob]

You must be office bound.

The Free Ranger : common among those who work outdoors and away from portapots or indoor plumbing. Free Rangers tend to wander around looking for a bush, tree, rock, cactus (careful now!), or blade of grass to hide behind. A fence post will do in place of "A Little House on the Prairie".

Careful where you step when walking around vehicles because shy FreeRangers will use anything for concealment and bold FreeRangers often have crude senses of humor (...ditto stocktanks that look like inviting swimming holes). Experienced FreeRangers need no concealment (and damn little paper) and often announce their intentions to avoid "em-bareassing" or disgusting scenes, especially where vegetation is sparse.

Once FreeRange behavior is well established or practiced often, the FreeRanger often appears to be an Out-Of-The-Closet- Pooper when indoor plumbing is available. This is not the case, however. FreeRangers are all business and accomplish the task in about the same amount of time it takes to read a comic strip. Consequently, FreeRangers favor collections of "The Far Side" and "Calvin and Hobbes" and are unable to commit undue amounts of time to articles from the New Yorker. In contrast, the "Out- Of-The-Closet-Pooper" is an urban exhibitionist who is often unable to "deliver the goods" when exposed to the Free Range.

Urban folk unaccustomed to FreeRanging are often liberated from the "Water Closet" when they are forced to chose between a full outhouse and the great, odor free outdoors.

When they have "Passed Muster", novice FreeRangers can be detected by newly acquired confidence, a swagger in their walk, the easy way a shovel is slung over a shoulder and a genuine look of relief.

Folk unable to practice FreeRanging often apper to be "Uncle Ted", "FLY BYs", or worse, because they hang around public facilities waiting until the "time is right".

Last, FreeRangers can be identified by their call while in their native habitat

"Did anyone bring TP or, are we using notebook paper again?"