Anyone disown one of their children?

[1 Patriot-of-many]

Is there anything official you do? My oldest daughter managed to find the last straw with her mother and I. Said some terribly vile stuff to her, when I called her on it and told her she needed to apologize she went on the never ending I'm a victim you were terrible parents ect(qualification apparently is you didn't let her do whatever she wanted too and kicked her ass out the door at 18 literally due to LACK OF RESPECT.) She's 26 now and said she never wanted to talk to me again along with a lot of FU's and F yourselfs and a finale of I'm not coming to your funeral...... I don't remember ever saying FU to any of my parents. She always was a very selfish person who never took responsibility for her actions from the time she was 13 till now even. It's hard to say good riddance to your own flesh and blood, but she crossed the line. She'll never see more than a dollar from us. Before I had made up my mind, now I believe after what she said to my wife, it's the same for her.

[ltorlo64]

Wow. First, I hope that this will be able to be corrected. I know it will take lots of time and effort, but a family breaking apart is beyond sad. I will keep your family in my prayers.

To your question, I think you just write her out of your will or put words into your will stating specifically that she is to not get anything, to not be contacted at your death, etc. Everything else about the split will just be you and her not communicating. She just becomes another person you used to know.

Don't give up hope on her. We change a lot as we mature, and it sounds like she still has some maturing to do but she is fighting it. Sorry this has to happen at any time of year, but especially now.

[Kadmos]

You can write her out of your will, but beyond that...nothing really.

Sorry to hear things haven't gone well.

My only thought is she is still pretty young, relationships can change. There may come a time in the future where things change, you may end up with grandchildren someday that you may want to see.

This time of year can be tough on families, just something to mull over.

[Schuetzenman]

She may be crazy, in some form. You can't fix crazy, sometimes it can be controlled with meds, but really it is an unfixable state of being. Aside from specifically writing her as excluded from your estate in your will that's about it.

[l921428x]

sorry to hear of this, no one needs extra strife in their lives. the lack of respect, for you and your wife, to me is concerting. you have to do what is the best for you, close the door on her for a while and see if things change. if not you can always lock it later. but you do not need the grief and because 26 is not young, she should have all the skills she needs to make her own life. if this is the decision you choose, you have to stand by it until she meets your standards.

[El Duce]

I rarely speak to my little sister over some shit that she did over 20 years ago. Don't miss her a bit. Trust me. It was no small matter.

Sorry to hear about it for you and your wife.

[Krupski]

Is there anything official you do? My oldest daughter managed to find the last straw with her mother and I. Said some terribly vile stuff to her...

Well, I cannot tell you what you should do, but I can tell you how my family operates.

I've been married 29-1/2 years and my wife and I have had some wicked knock-down, drag out fights (not literally hitting, but yelling at each other).

We've said terrible, horrible things to each other, but we both let it go. After a few hours of anger and not talking to each other, we cool down, apologize to each other and then try to remember when it was the last time we had a "blowup" (it's usually about once every year and a half).

My kids (23, 18 and 13; son, son, daughter) have had their share of yelling at us and us at them, but all the same we get over it.

People say mean, nasty things when they are angry, trying their best for maximum "hurt effect" (or at least to "one up" the opponent). But soon we see how stupid it was and we "kiss and make up".

Concerning this quote of yours:

I don't remember ever saying FU to any of my parents.

I never argued with my parents nor did I ever swear at them. Not because I didn't want to, but because my dad ran the house like Army boot camp. "When they say 'shit', you squat and grunt!" "When they say 'jump' you ask 'how high sir?'". It wasn't "his way or the highway", it was "his way or no way".

Staff Sergeant Eisenfaust (Eisenfaust = Ironfist) (which is what I called him behind his back) would have literally killed me if I had said anything bad to him, or, worse, to my mother.

But times are different. I don't know if they are better, but they are different.

I've gotten a few "FU's" from my kids, and looking back on the whole situation, I probably deserved it.

Not saying that YOU deserved it, what I'm saying is that IMO an "FU" in anger isn't really all that big of a deal. It's just words.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest that you see if it will blow over, talk with your daughter and try to come to an understanding. I can't imagine ever "disowning" one of my kids. There isn't anything I can imagine that they could do that would make me feel that way permanently.

My 2 cents. Hope it helps you.

-- Roger

[L1A1Rocker]

Wow, really sorry to hear about your troubles.

It can vary state to state. As someone posted above, in Texas you just write them out of your will. Make a notation that so and so is not to receive any estate assets. Other states it's not that easy, family have an inharte "right" to estate assets and can contest a will on that basis. Sorry to say that this may require a visit to a lawyer.

[ubersoldate]

You said she is in her 20's?

Take the high ground. Don't give her anything, but don't cut her out.
Accept her calls, but don't make it a point to call her.
Dont perpetuate the situation by talking to other family members about it, just drop her.

Similar thing happened in my family, went about ten years and the person came back into the fold with apologies to all involved. But probably wound not have if that door would have been left open. Sometimes people are just crazy but even crazy eventually realizes that parents and family are the most important thing in life.
Good luck!

[rktman]

1Pat, Sorry for your struggles.
Hopefully this is just a fight that will blow over in a few months or years.
I have had too much experience on this with my son.
We had an "issue" with ours that necessitated that we buy a safe. When I was buying it, the counter guy saw that something was a little off in my expression.
He asked why I was buying the safe and I explained my situation. He looked at me with a solemn look and said he bought the exact model due to a similar problem with his adult son.
In his story he had to get a "no contact order" from the court to keep his son from destroying their lives.
You are not alone. If you want to see similar stories, go to http://www.conductdisorders.com/comm...#axzz3KkiNR8Hk Be warned, the stories are not real inspiring.
Keep your self sane at this time and don't get depressed or drink too much (very easy to do). Find something that keeps you happy and protect it at all costs!

[johnnyringo]

I know where you're coming from. My eldest daughter (44 yrs. old). Told her little sister (42) she had decided to commit suicide. She had started drinking way too much. She has two children 9 and 7. The family researched and found a rehab facility and talked her into going. Her husband also drinks too much and smokes dope as well. He couldn't go into a rehab, as he had to work, but we did get him into a 5 day inpatient to dry out under medical care. They agreed to let my youngest son take the kids to MI and take care of them until they both got sober. Neither one of them finished the treatment and drove to MI and barged into the house and grabbed the kids. They scared the crap out of my daughter-in-law. Many of of us had dropped everything, and went to TX to help. I drove 2500 miles and arranged (paid for) the kids and my daughter-in-law's air fare to MI. Now my daughter says "we went to far". I told her she witnessed and was the benefactor of the greatest outpouring of love and concern she most likely will ever experience in her life. Then, after reading what she wrote about me and her siblings (which was hateful and untrue) I told her the only thing I could offer her are my prayers. She never said thanks for anything we did. I removed her from my will and told the rest of my kids to use, what would have been her share, to help her kids if they decided to get an education. The kids are the victims. They are a sad case. My son who had them in MI until they grabbed them, said he had never seen such mal-adjusted children in his life. They responded well to living with them and bonded quickly. They were screaming and sobbing as they were loaded into the car as they drove off. Writing this brings back the pain.

[tank_monkey]

Something may happen in their lives which will OPEN their eyes as to how much of a douchebag they've been.. It's happened to some of my adult friends who realized that THEY were the ones who were wrong, not their parents. Disowning is a permanent thing. Claiming it creates a barrier that neither side will cross (due to pride) forever. You don't want that 'forever' gate closed. Stay away, but if they 'wise up' ... be around. You can avoid them a lot without declaring them 'persona non grata'....

BTW, sorry to hear this. This situation sucks.

[davepool]

Never give up hope, she's your blood, you can't dis-own that. Cruel, hurtful words are just that; words. We all say stupid shit we wish we hadn't said at times, keep the door open, she'll come to her senses.

She's your daughter, right, she can't be all bad

Try to remember the joy you felt the first time you held her in your arms. That's what i do when mine starts her " supreme bitch of the world" act and i want to slap the shit out of her

[NAPOTS]

I've got a son on the way and hope to hell I don't have to ask this question in 25 years but there is only so much you can do. I know there is a certain amount of natural teething in early adulthood.

[Aggressive Perfector]

Well, all I can say here is all through my teenage years I was constantly fighting with my parents. I said a lot of real nasty shit and even came to blows with my dad a few times. Turned 18, moved out of their house an in with my friend, finished high school shortly after turning 19, moved 750 miles away to Arkansas for about 4 years hardly speaking to my parents for 4 or 5 total. When I did, it was primarily just sending them pictures of my daughter, and even had my wife doing most of that. I moved back up this year and we've since made amends. I can't speak for your daughter, but sometimes distance and time are needed to fix shit up. I had to move out of state and cut contact with them for some years before we could figure out how to come to terms with our differences without fighting over a bunch of shit and I sure as hell had a lot of smartening up to do in that time (and accept that me and my dad are just far too fucking hard headed and stuck in our ways to see from each others perspective). Now we're as close as most any "normal" family. I see them and talk to them often, at every birthday party for my daughter, niece and nephew, Easter, thanks giving, Independence Day, Christmas, etc.

Long story short, cut contact with her for a few years, leave her to sink or swim on her own ability without your help, and see how she makes it. She'll either straighten out and succeed, or fail, hit rock bottom, and continue to blame you. Best of luck.

[1 Patriot-of-many]

Thank you everyone for putting perspective on this. I'll leave the door open for communication, but frankly don't see that happening from her. I'll write her out of the will for now and hopefully someday will write her back in. She has a good career so it's not like she's a total loser beyond being a libtard to the max and taking a very bad trait from me, always blaming everyone else(I.E. her parents for everything wrong in her emotional life). I really ticked me off what she said to my wife who did everything for her. Me i wasn't the best father, but my excuse is I didn't have a father most of my life, never knew how to play the part well so I was strong on discipline and not enough on nurturing. Thanks again fellows Some good input here.

[jojo]

I hate to admit it but up until about 4 years ago I went thru a very similar situation.

Good luck with your situation.

[Richard Simmons]

Thank you everyone for putting perspective on this. I'll leave the door open for communication, but frankly don't see that happening from her. I'll write her out of the will for now and hopefully someday will write her back in. She has a good career so it's not like she's a total loser beyond being a libtard to the max and taking a very bad trait from me, always blaming everyone else(I.E. her parents for everything wrong in her emotional life). I really ticked me off what she said to my wife who did everything for her. Me i wasn't the best father, but my excuse is I didn't have a father most of my life, never knew how to play the part well so I was strong on discipline and not enough on nurturing. Thanks again fellows Some good input here.

FWIW I think you made the right choice. I'm sincerely sorry that you have this situation in your life but children can, do and will say things to their parents for a variety of reasons that, later on they regret and parents can and will do the same. A coworker of mine disowned his eldest daughter because she moved in with her boyfriend a month or two before they got married. He wrote her out of his will, no longer speaks to her, etc. Unfortunately in the 5-6 years since this happened he became a grandfather and has never even met the child even though he and his daughter live less than an hour apart.

He still feels strongly that he did the right thing even though his son from a second marriage lives with his girlfriend, has for several years and has no wedding plans in the near future. Go figure. I realize your situation may be different but the result could be the same in that you not only loose your daughter but your future grandchildren too. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.

[1 Patriot-of-many]

Thanks guys.

[308]

And 308 shows up to give a Biblical perspective....

So, how many times have any of us rejected God and said similar things to Him in our own heart, or rejected His most amazing gift because it gets in the way of what we want to do with our own lives? Selfishness...rebelliousness.

And yet, we are told that no matter what we have done or said, no matter how terrible, He remains the same with His constant offer of Grace. Grace being unmerited favor. He offers constant forgiveness no matter what we have done or said, no matter how terrible.

Forgiveness...that's something I had to constantly chew on. I had to work my mind up to the point where I could analyze the other person's behavior, make an excuse for it, and then try to convince myself that I was forgiving them. Problem was I was always taking them back to the court of my mind where I prosecuted them with clear evidence of their crime to the point where they begged me for mercy after seeing how bad they had hurt me.

But there was a problem with my forgiveness...It wasn't Godly, or Biblical...it was fake. It wasn't until a friend explained forgiveness as "CANCELLING THE DEBT" that it became real to me. The debt is a wedge placed between two people, and one needs to decide what is more important, the debt or the relationship.

God chose relationship over debt, and now we are free to have a relationship with Him because we don't owe anymore.

I have an issue with two of my brothers, and honestly it is hard to remember the debt is cancelled, but that forgiveness that I offer freely to them is not for them, it is for me. Un-Forgiveness is the poison I drink in an effort to harm someone else, and that makes no sense.

Rejecting and writing off a person is the easy thing. Forgiving is the hard thing. The right thing is always the harder thing, but when we do the right thing, God will bless it.

Do what you want with this...its all about choice.