Some old, some new...
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom –
until they’re flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer screen will say, “Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking –
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because
20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that
the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice - I’m not using it.
I hate it when people use big words
just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home
when you wish they were.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and
so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution,
along comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Ms. Right,
I had no idea her first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test—
the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness,
but I'm still looking.
Women spend more time wondering
what men are thinking …than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men,
but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look,
but he already had one.
Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side
but at least you don't have to mow it.
I like long walks,
especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today,
but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy;
other times I let him sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit,
is ketchup a smoothie?
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
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