The heart attack

[old Grump]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[N/A]

Check your shampoo bottle label.
> I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.
> It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
> When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
> (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
> FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY ---
>
> No wonder I have been gaining weight!
> Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn
> dish washing liquid instead.
> Their label reads,
> DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
>
> Problem Solved.
> If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!
>

[old Grump]

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

[N/A]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........






"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

[old Grump]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker,you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

[N/A]

During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had
Been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his
Poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "


The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point
The caddy says:

"No, the other end."

[old Grump]

"No, the other end."

You win

[N/A]

· My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past
& I don't want 2 upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12...

[JTHunter]

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier,
"Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States."

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

[old Grump]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[old Grump]

I forgot to list one of the animals we hunt sometimes, Cockroaches. Well the first thing we did was to pick out likely looking place for hunting these critters. We selected the Shady Nook Motel in East Casper. However, we could have picked any motel with a kitchen area. Anyway I pulled my National Match Red Rider out of the old Urban Assault Vehicle (Four Wheel Drive Pickup) and packed it into our room along with a three pound coffee can of super deluxe copper plated BB's. I think some of those international trap shooters are going to be unhappy with those blanks.

Anyhow, I took a long warm shower, got into my sweats and set up camp in the middle of the Water Bed. Now I don't know if this is really legal but I bated a few places around my room with Pay Day candy bar pieces. I reasoned cause I like em, they ought to like em too. My Daddy always told me to hunt smart! Then I turned off the lights and set there alone in the dark. Then all of a sudden there came a knock at my door and a comely little lass asked me if I wanted a friend for the night. I told her that I had plenty of friends back in Cincinnati. That they were depending on me to bring home hunting trophies and to go away cause she was disturbing my hunting. She gave me a kind of grimaced look and sashayed off to the next room. I thought good riddance she probably didn't know that a hunters best friend is his Red Rider anyway.
I went back to my unlit blind on the waterbed and sat there in the dark for 30 minutes or so. Then quick like a bunny, I flipped the lights on and there they were caught out in the open. I preceded to blast them with old Red shooting and cocking it in the best Rooster Cogburn fashion. Dropped two big bucks over by the banana peel. Hit the third one that had been grazing over there on the fly as he tried to escape to the bathroom. Got a fourth one as he tried to duck under the couch and blasted the fifth one as it exited the turned over milk glass. I got the last one, a really big honker, as it scurried across the line of death into the kitchen. What carnage! What mayhem! I was sure some of those will go Boone and Crocket. After a while I got tired and turned out the lights and went to sleep. Next morning I looked for evidence of the great slaughter that had taken place the night before and I couldn't find a thing. Oh well they must carry off their dead after such a massive battle.
If you are interested in some of this kind of hunting there is a guide who pushes a shopping cart around here and collects recyclables that I would recommend. He claims he knows where all of the really big ones are. You can contact him.

Fredrick Harris
Co/Union Gospel Mission
Casper, Wyoming 87219

He claims the big ones like red wine, the cheep stuff. My advice is to take lots of bait. It seems to disappear real fast.

(Don’t bother me now. I am sizing my Cockroaches for Boone and Crocket)

[Bartholomew]

Hi old Grump,
Great threat and lovely conversation between man and nun and surprised that man humor and cleverness even after heart stroke

[old Grump]

Hi old Grump,
Great threat and lovely conversation between man and nun and surprised that man humor and cleverness even after heart stroke

If you can't laugh you might as well give up. Can't stay mad all the time.

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a women will often say "It would be nice to have another kid." You never hear a guy say " I'd like to have another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.