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Thread: Joke Thread

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    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Red face Joke Thread

    I haven't seen one of these posted here in a while so I thought I'd start one.

    In the spirit of the upcoming election, here's mine :

    A black guy, a white guy, a muslim, an illegal alien, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. President?”

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    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    I can't believe that nobody here doesn't has any good political (or otherwise) jokes.

    Don't be shy...put 'em up.

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    Senior Member BISHOP's Avatar

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    We're too buisy stocking up our doomsday bunkers.


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    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    A guy driving through the country breaks down near an old farmhouse and walks up to use the phone to call a tow truck

    He knocks on the door and after few minutes the old farmer comes to the door and as he opens the door a three legged pig runs out of the house

    He uses the phone and as he turns to go wait for the tow truck he asks the farmer

    "what's the deal with that 3 legged pig?"

    Farmer says " well sir, that thar is a real special pig, nigh on to 3 months ago the farmhouse caught afire in the middle of the night and that thar pig run't into the house, woke us all up and saved our lives, yessir a real special pig"

    The guy nods and says " Ahh so that's how he lost his leg, in the house fire"

    " Nope,nope" says the farmer, " real special pig like that, you don't eat'em all at once"
    Last edited by davepool; 03-01-2012 at 09:27 PM. Reason: sp

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    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    A young insecure guy has worries about the size of his dick, so he goes to his doctor for help.

    "doc", he says " i'm kinda worried my dick's not big enough to satify a woman, is ther anything you can do?"

    The doctor examines him and says " you look normal to me, but i've heard of a technique where they transplant the truck from a baby elephant over your dick and had great success, i hear the ladies love it"

    young guy grins and says "lets do it !"

    Doc sets up the operation and it's sucessful.

    The next day the guys in front of the mirror admiring his new dick and decides he feels confident enough to ask the hot blonde babe at work out on a date. She accepts.

    the guy has plans to to take her to a fancy restaurant, wine and dine her and then go home and fuck her brains out with his new dick.

    things at the restaurant are going well,the wine is good, the conversation is good and she seems to be enjoying herself, the salads and dinner rolls are served and the guy thinks things are going well for his plans to take her home and fuck her silly

    when all of a sudden, the baby elephants truck comes up from under the table, grabs a dinner roll and goes back under the table

    she sees this and eyes wide open in amazement she says, " did you do that?"

    he nods and stammers, "yes, yes i did"

    "could you do it again?"

    "yea", he says, " but i don't think i could take having another dinner roll stuffed up my ass"
    Last edited by davepool; 03-01-2012 at 09:23 PM.

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    Catholic school bus crashes and kills all the high school aged Catholic school girls on board. At the Pearly Gates St. Peter says, "Most of you are going to get in but you have to make a last confession and purification".

    "Anna Kilpatrick, what is the extent of your sexual escapades, young lady?" "I gave Tom Collins a hand job, Saint Peter", said the master of Polish Karate. "Well then, young lady wash your hands in the Holy Water and you may pass".

    "Bernadene Shanrahan, what is the extent of your sexual activity?" "I kissed Mick O'Hurlehee's dick, Saint Peter", said Bernie. "Wash your lips with the Holy Water then pass through the gates", said Saint Peter.

    "Saint Peter!, Saint Peter! Please let me gargle the Holy Water!", cried Zoe O'Connor. "Before you make Mary Margaret Mackey wash her ass out with it!"

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    Guns Network Lifetime Membership 01/2011 old Grump's Avatar

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    How do you know you are in a hillbilly church?

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    Roman Catholic, Life Member of American Legion, VFW, Wisconsin Libertarian party, Wi-FORCE, WGO, NRA, JPFO, GOA, SAF and CCRKBA


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    Billy Ray gets out of county lock up and goes home to be confronted by his wife. "Billy Ray, I have to be honest with you, while you were in county I got lonely and sought comfort in the arms of another man" said his wife.

    "Was it Jim Bob?" asks Billy Ray. "No", his wife replies. "Was it Joe Bob?" asks Billy Ray. "No", his wife answers. "Was it Billy Bob?" asks the befuddled Billy Ray. "No" his wife assures him.

    "What the Hell is the matter with you? Aren't any of my friends good enough for you?" shouts Billy Ray.

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    Senior Member Oswald Bastable's Avatar

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    So Ole and Lena are in bed one night, and Ole...well he's a goin' down on Lena pretty damn good.

    He's a lappin' away, havin' a good time down dere...and Lena, well Lena's enjoyin' it pretty damn good too...

    'Cept Lena, well, she's got a bit a da gas goin' on...and she lets a bit a it pass, quietly...

    Ole...Ole pays no mind...he just keeps on a lappin' away.

    Well Lena...Lena finds the gas gettin' a bit more insistent...she let's a bit bigger blast go...not real loud, but not like before...

    Ole...well Ole don't notice...he just keeps a lappin' away in Lena's nethers...happy as a clam.

    Finally, that gassy feeling just overwhelms Lena and she lets go...

    BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!

    Ole pays no mind to this and finally Lena says:

    God, Ole...doesn't that stink???

    Ole says...ya, it does Lena, but keep a pumpin' in da fresh air!!!
    If we refuse to rule ourselves with reason, then we shall be ruled by our passions.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post



    I can't believe that nobody here doesn't has any good political (or otherwise) jokes.

    Don't be shy...put 'em up.
    ok political joke on andrew breitbart. "I'm surprised I've never even heard of this guy"

    joke enough for you?
    While no one ever listens to me,
    I am constantly being told to be quiet.

    In a world of snowflakes,
    be the heat..

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    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....... Something she just loved to do.As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"Because ... She Replied ...... "I Really Miss Mine"

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    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Wink

    Looks like maybe I shoulda put this up in the RH from the replies, lol.

    Okay, here's a nice clean ethnic joke:

    A Polish guy walks into a hardware store and tells the guy at the counter he needs something to cut down trees with, his old axe is getting dull and he simply has too many trees on his property to clear. The hardware employee proceeds to show him a nice shiny brand-new chainsaw. Polish guy is impressed, so he buys it & leaves.

    A couple of days later he walks back into the store with the chainsaw, all dirty & sweaty; and says "There must be something wrong with this saw. It seems to be taking as long to cut down my trees with it as it did my old axe." The hardware guy looks it over: checks the sparkplug, gas in the tank, chain, etc.. & tells the Polish dude there's nothing wrong, and that he should go back and try again. Sometimes they take a little getting used to, and the Polish guy leaves.

    Next day Polish Guy is back at the store, and now he's pissed. He utters some swear words in Polski and proceeds to tell the employee the chainsaw still doesn't work, and that it is actually is harder to cut trees now then with his old axe. So the counter guy picks up the chainsaw, looks it over, gives the starter a yank, & it fires right up.

    Polish guy yells "What's that noise?!"
    Last edited by mrkalashnikov; 03-02-2012 at 07:43 AM.

  13. #13
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    Looks like maybe I shoulda put this up in the RH from the replies, lol.

    !"
    I posted my joke before and it lasted all of 30 seconds before it got sent to the RH and I was admonished that is where it belonged. When I saw all these others still up here, I thought I would bring it back.... to see what would happen.

  14. #14
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by N/A View Post
    I posted my joke before and it lasted all of 30 seconds before it got sent to the RH and I was admonished that is where it belonged. When I saw all these others still up here, I thought I would bring it back.... to see what would happen.
    That's weird...yours is pretty tame compared to some of the others, lol.

    While we're at it:

    If a bluebird has blue babies, and a blackbird has black babies; what kind of bird doesn't have any babies at all?
























































    A) A swallow!

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    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    That's weird...yours is pretty tame compared to some of the others, lol.

    While we're at it:

    If a bluebird has blue babies, and a blackbird has black babies; what kind of bird doesn't have any babies at all?
    A swallow!
    I posted it back in January, not today, but thought I would bring it back today...

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    Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself ?



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    A termite walked into a bar and said where's the bar tender?

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    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    If sex between three people is called a "Threesome"
    and sex between two people is a "Twosome"




    Now you know why people call you "Handsome"

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    Little Johnny asks his mom how you get babies. Mom replies, "Your dad puts his penis in my vagina and that's how you get babies".

    Little Johnny says, "But the other day I saw you had dad's penis in your mouth".

    "Well Johnny, that's how you get jewelry", says Johnny's mom.

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