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  1. #21
    Guns Network Lifetime Membership 01/2011 old Grump's Avatar

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    Leno asked Palin about the possibility of abandoning politics to host her own talk show one day.

    "I hear once in awhile this comes open," Pain quipped, tapping Leno's desk. Leno told her she'd have to audition for the job by performing her own monologue.

    "Hello. Thank you, Jay. Thank you. I'm so happy to get to be here. This is a thrill of a lifetime really. And Alaska, being so different from Los Angeles. Here when people have a frozen look on their face, I find out it's Botox.

    "It is so beautiful here, though, so warm and beautiful. Back home, ooh, it was freezing. It was 5 degrees below Congress' approval rating.

    "I've been really busy. I picked up a gig in Las Vegas at the Legends show, playing Tina Fey.

    "And next I get to headline. I'll be the speaker at the NRA convention. So be there, or else.

    "The truth is though I'm glad I'm not vice president. I'm glad because I would not know what to do with all that free time.

    "But Jay, thank you so much for inviting me. I saw where it's been a few weeks of unfair, non-stop criticism, people who don't know the real story. And I just say, Jay, welcome to my world."

    Roman Catholic, Life Member of American Legion, VFW, Wisconsin Libertarian party, Wi-FORCE, WGO, NRA, JPFO, GOA, SAF and CCRKBA


    "THE STATE THAT SEPARATES ITS SCHOLARS FROM IT WARRIORS WILL HAVE ITS THINKING DONE BY COWARDS AND ITS FIGHTING DONE BY FOOLS"

    THUCYDIDES.



  2. #22
    Senior Member TEN-32's Avatar

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    LAGC Used to Have a Job

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand…

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

    Two o'clock and no hired hand.

    Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her..

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

    Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my skirt."

    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    "Now take off my bra…" Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
    .
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    wait for it
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    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

  3. #23
    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    Little johnny walks into the bathroom just after his mom steps out of the shower and seeing her hairy bush, asks her what it is.

    She says, " Um, well ah, it's my wash rag."

    "Oh" says johnny,and walks out.

    Later that night johnnys mom and dad get into some kinky sex and johnnys dad shaves her pussy clean.

    A day or so later johnny walks in on his mom again and sees her shaved puss and says " what happened to your wash rag mommy?"

    Thinking quickly she says," Well, um, i lost it"

    "Oh" says johnny and walks out.

    A couple minutes later johnny runs back into the bathroom yelling excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, i found your wash rag."

    "The maid has it and she's scrubbing daddys face with it right now"

  4. #24
    Team GunsNet Gold 05/2011

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    Little Johnny and his dad are walking through the park and Johnny sees two dogs fucking. "What are those dogs doing, dad?" asks Johnny.

    "They're making a puppy, Johnny", says dad.

    That night Johnny walks in on ma and pa goin' at it and asks, "What are you doing, dad?"

    "We're making you a baby sister" replies dad.

    "Well flip her over, I'd rather have a puppy!", says Johnny.

  5. #25
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2012 Warthogg's Avatar

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    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife & I went into town to visit a shop.

    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break.?.?.?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

    I called him an �ass hole�. He glared at me & started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

    So Kate called him a �shit head�. He finished the second ticket & put it on the windshield with the first.

    Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Just then our bus arrived, so we got on it & went home.

    We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
    It's important at our age.!.!.!

    Wart

  6. #26
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Wink

    Paddy & Mike are drinking a few pints in the pub when Mike speaks up: "Paddy me boyo, have ye heard about the new bar that's opened in town? They say for a half a buck ye can go there and get a pint, a nice lunch, & then they takes ye in back and ye gets laid!"

    Paddy proceeds to put down his pint, & look his pal in the eye. "Wait a minute, wait joost a minute here Michael. Your tellin me...ye kin go into this here new bar in town...and for half-a-dollar yeh gets a pint, a good lunch, & they takes ye in back & gets yeh laid?! I have never heard of such a thing! I don't believes it!"

    Mike replies, "It's true I tells, ye, all true! Me sister was just there the other night & told me!"

  7. #27
    How do you know when your college room mate is gay?..................His dick tastes like shit.

  8. #28
    One day in grade school the teacher asked the students to tell of a real life experience
    and relate that to an "old time saying". First up was Sally.....Last spring our chickens
    layed alot of eggs to be hatched. I put them in a bucket and dropped it on my way to
    the incubator, all the eggs broke. So don't put all your eggs in one basket. Very good
    Sally, replied the teacher. Next was..... Suzy, we also raise chickens but our hatchlings
    died in the incubator because of the winter storm last month. So don't count your chicks
    before they hatch. Very good Suzy replied the teacher. Last up was little johnny .......
    My uncle Bob was a fighter pilot in the Vietnam war and he was shot down by a sam missile
    over enemy territory. He ejected from his plane with only a fifth of whiskey, A 45 automatic
    pistol and a machete. On his way down with the parachute he drank the whole
    bottle of whiskey, he then landed right in the middle of an enemy camp of 30 gooks.
    He killed 6 with his pistol and 20 with his machete until it broke, and then killed the
    rest with his bare hands. Oh my GOD replied the teacher, what a horrible story!!!
    What "old time saying" could this be related too? Little Johnny said "don't fuck with
    uncle Bob when he's been drinkin".

  9. #29
    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    Three old guys,Bob, Ray, and Louie were sitting on the porch of the old folks home discussing the trials and tribulations of getting old.

    Bob says," man i sure wish i could take a decent piss like i used to when i was younger"

    Ray says, " i hear ya buddy, i wish i could take a healty shit like i could when i was younger''

    Louie the oldest of the three says," hell, i don't have a problem with either of those, i just wish i could wake up first"
    Last edited by davepool; 03-09-2012 at 09:02 PM. Reason: sp

  10. #30
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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  11. #31
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

    "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

    "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

  12. #32
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Elton & David's' Baby - Elegance & Splendor Extraordinaire ! ! !

    They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
    When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
    In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
    "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
    "The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."

  13. #33
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    A Matter of Mathematics

    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"

    When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
    "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up. -- Your wife"
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  14. #34
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    A tree hugger

    A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

    In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

    He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.”

    GOD BLESS AMERICA
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  15. #35
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    Blond One Liners

    Q: Why did the Blonde keep empty bottles in her fridge?
    A: They're there for her friends who don't drink!

    Q: Why did the Blond stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
    A: Because it said concentrate.

    Q: Why do Blonds have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
    A: To remind them that "Toes Go in First".

    Q: How do you get a Blond on the roof?
    A: Tell her the drinks are on the house.

    Q: Why shouldn't Blonds have coffee breaks?
    A: It takes too long to retrain them.

    Q: What do you call an eternity?
    A: Four Blonds at a four way stop.

    Q: Why did 18 Blonds go to the R-rated movie?
    A: Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.

    Q: Why do Blonds like a BMW better than a Chevrolet?
    A: They can spell BMW.

    Q: What did the Blond say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
    A: Oh look, daddy...doughnut seeds.

    Q: How do you confuse a Blond?
    A: Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

    Q: If a Blond and a brunette fell out on an airplane, who would land first?
    A: The brunette. The Blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

    Q: What is every Blond's ambition in life?
    A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

    Q: Why can't Blonds make ice cubes?
    A: They always forget the recipe.

    Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
    A: A Blond going through a flashing red light.

    Q: How can you tell a Blond has been using the computer?
    A: Because of all the White-Out on the monitor screen.

    Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
    A: You have to hollow out the head.

    Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
    A: It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.

    Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
    A: They drowned during Spring Training.

    Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain link fence?
    A: To see what was on the other side.

    Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
    A: They keep breaking them with their hammers.

    Q: Why did the blonde put rouge and lipstick on her forehead?
    A: She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

    Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned out light bulbs?
    A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

    Q: Why are Asians so smart?
    A: They don't have blondes to bring down their average.
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  16. #36
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    The Trial

    In a trial in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. She says I do.

    The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

    She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappoint-ment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well.”

    The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

    She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him.”

    The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

    At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?”
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  17. #37
    Team Gunsnet SILVER 05/2012 deth502's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JTHunter View Post

    Q: How can you tell a Blond has been using the computer?
    A: Because of all the White-Out on the monitor screen.


  18. #38
    Registered User LAGC's Avatar

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    Wink



    Makes you wonder if we'd all be praying to a rope if the Messiah was hanged...
    "That tyranny has all the vices both of democracy and oligarchy is evident. As of oligarchy so of tyranny, the end is wealth; (for by wealth only can the tyrant maintain either his guard or his luxury). Both mistrust the people, and therefore deprive them of their arms." -- Aristotle, Book V, 350 B.C.E

  19. #39
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Seeing as no Christian prays to a "cross", but many little marxist venerate Marx and Lenin and their ilk, Makes me wonder if you would be bowing to Mao if he had been first....

  20. #40
    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    Young Jose was sitting in his ESL (english as a second language) class one day when the teacher asked him to recite a sentence with the word "cheese" in it.

    Jose thought long and hard on this and finally he stood up and said," Maria like me very much,but i no like her,cheese to ugly"

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