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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #41
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    OK here's a really bad one (as in non PC):

    A guy walks into a gunstore. He says he's looking for something to shoot cans with.

    The salesman shows him a nice .22 pistol. "Nice little pistol, hardly any recoil and really cheap ammo"

    The guy says "Nah... I had something larger in mind".

    Salesman says "OK... how about this? 9mm. Recoil isn't bad, ammo isn't that expensive and it's powerful enough to be a carry piece too. What do you think?"

    The guy says "Nice... very nice but I had something bigger in mind".

    Salesman says "Hmm... well how about this baby? a .44 magnum. Helluva recoil, really loud and one of the most powerful handguns available. Not my choice for a plinking piece, but you want power - this is it!"

    The guys says "That's the one! I'll take it!".

    So the guy fills out his 4473, plunks down his cash and begins to walk out of the store with his brand new .44 magnum.

    Before he leaves, the salesman says "Excuse me sir... when you came in here you said you wanted to shoot cans. What kind of cans are you plinking with that 44?"
















    The guy laughs "Oh you know... AfriCANS, MexiCANS, Puerto-RiCANS!"


  2. #42
    Junior Member Cobalt60's Avatar

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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
    “You know what the difference between me and you really is? You look out there and see a horde of evil, brain eating zombies. I look out there and see a target rich environment.”

  3. #43
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krupski View Post
    AfriCANS, MexiCANS, Puerto-RiCANS!"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ796...eature=related

  4. #44
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    Air Time

    Here's a few more for you.

    A blonde calls United Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”

    The agent replies, “Just a minute.….”

    “Thank you.” the blonde says, and hangs up.
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  5. #45
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    Choices

    Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

    So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

    "What's it called?" Eve asked.

    "Brains" God said.
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  6. #46
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    More Choices

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

    The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

    The second one says, "I want to be Madonna." and POOF she's gone.

    The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

    St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who???????" he asked.

    "Sarah Pipalini." replies the nun.

    St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says........."No, sister, you didn't read it right, this says that the "Sahara Pipeline" was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  7. #47
    Senior Member JTHunter's Avatar

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    First Hunt

    A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field.” A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. “What's wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.”

    The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, “Should we eat them here or take them with us?” Well, I guess I just panicked!”
    “I have little patience with people who take the Bill of Rights for granted. The Bill of Rights, contained in the first ten amendments to the Constitution, is every American’s guarantee of freedom.” - - President Harry S. Truman, “Years of Trial and Hope”

  8. #48
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JTHunter View Post
    [FONT="Times New Roman"][SIZE="3"]Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
    On the theme of granting wishes.....

    A guy comes across an old oil lamp. So, for the hell of it, he rubs the lamp. Amazing! a genie comes out in a puff of smoke!

    The guy is thrilled. He excitedly asks "so now is when I get my three wishes?"

    The genie says "That's an old tale. I can grant you only ONE wish, so think carefully".

    The guys says "OK" and begins to think and think....

    Finally he says "I know what I want!".

    The genie says (as you would expect) "Your wish is my command master! What do you wish for?"

    The guys says "I want to be hung like a black man!"

    The genie frowns and asks "Master are you sure that's what you want? Of all the things you could wish for this is it?"

    The guys says "Yes yes! I want to be hung like a black man!"

    The genie shakes his head and says "Very well... your wish is my command". The genie waves his hands, a swirl of smoke appears and suddenly POOF! The wish is granted.

    Three white cowboys appear... with a rope fashioned into a noose... which they have flung over a large branch of a tree...

  9. #49
    Team GunsNet Gold 05/2011

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    This guy walks into a bar with a little guy on his shoulder not even 13" tall. The guy says, "Drinks for the house!" Everyone bellies up to the bar for their drink and after they are served the little asshole on his shoulder jumps down on the bar and kicks over everyone's drink before they can get to them. The little asshole then takes up his perch again.

    "What the Hell is that all about?", one of the pissed off patrons asks. "Well last year I found an old lamp on the beach, rubbed it and this genie came out", said the guy with the asshole on his shoulder.

    "Yeah, so?", says another barfly. "So, I asked that every time I reach in my pocket I'll have enough money for whatever I want to buy, and there it is when I reach in", says the man with the shoulder warmer. "Then I asked for perfect health until the moment I fall over dead, haven't sneezed in a year", the man continued.

    "So what does that asshole have to do with this?", asked the bartender.

    "My third wish was for a prick a foot long and there he is!", says the man pointing his thumb at the leprechuan looking shit head on his shoulder.
    Last edited by Bluntforce; 03-13-2012 at 02:15 AM.

  10. #50
    Not a joke, but here's a funny lame pick-up line...

    If your beauty were a bakery, I'd stop by to sniff your buns.

  11. #51
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JTHunter View Post
    Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

    So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

    "What's it called?" Eve asked.

    "Multiple orgasms" God said.
    ...

  12. #52
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Andy Rooney on sex:

    1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....

    I don't remember what I chose.



    2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



    3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.



    4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."



    5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'

    and

    'stop', unless they are used together.



    6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on

    earth.



    7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try

    Weakly.



    8. Virginity can be cured.



    9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.



    10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,

    you better have a good hand.



    11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.



    12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.



    13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?

    Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.



    14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with

    the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.



    15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

    Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.



    16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

    Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.



    17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men

    still sleep with their wives!

  13. #53
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krupski View Post
    On the theme of granting wishes.....

    Krapski comes across an old oil lamp. So, for the hell of it, he rubs the lamp. Amazing! a genie comes out in a puff of smoke!

    Kapski is thrilled. He excitedly asks "so now is when I get my three wishes?"

    The genie says "That's an old tale. I can grant you only ONE wish, so think carefully".

    Krapski says "OK" and begins to think and think....

    Finally he says "I know what I want!".

    The genie says (as you would expect) "Your wish is my command master! What do you wish for?"

    Krapski says "I want to be hung like a black man!"

    The genie frowns and asks "Master are you sure that's what you want? Of all the things you could wish for this is it?"

    Krapski says "Yes yes! I want to be hung like a black man!"

    The genie shakes his head and says "Very well... your wish is my command". The genie waves his hands, a swirl of smoke appears and suddenly POOF! The wish is granted.


    Shitski now....

  14. #54
    Senior Member El Duce's Avatar

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    On a serious note. That was moving.

  15. #55
    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    A priest had decided to play golf one day, but his regular caddy was sick So he asked one of the nuns to caddy for him and she reluctatnly agreed

    Out on the course the priest sets up to tee off on the 9th hole,pulled back for the shot and missed the ball completely.

    " Damnit,i missed" he exclaimed.

    Shocked, the nun reminded him of his position and the priest apologized. He set up again and missed again.

    "Damnit i missed"

    "Father, please" says the nun, " If you use that foul language again the lord will send a bolt of lightning from the sky to strike you dead"

    On the third try the same thing happened and the priest screamed, "Damnit, i missed"

    Just then the skies grew dark and a huge bolt of lightning shot out of the heavens and strikes the nun dead.


    A few seconds later a loud booming voice echos from the sky, "DAMNIT, I MISSED."

  16. #56
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by N/A View Post
    Shitski now....
    Oh cripes it's a JOKE thread. Tell me a white joke or a pollock joke... I won't be offended.

    Sheesh.

  17. #57
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by N/A View Post
    Shitski now....
    The genie shakes his head and says "Very well... your wish is my command". The genie waves his hands, a swirl of smoke appears and suddenly POOF! The wish is granted.
    You got that part right. I *am* hung like a black man.

  18. #58
    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krupski View Post
    Oh cripes it's a JOKE thread. Tell me a white joke or a pollock joke... I won't be offended.

    Sheesh.
    OK.

    Two white pollocks have just shot a deer and are field dressing it before they drag it back to thier truck.

    When they're done each one grabs a leg and they start towards the truck, after a while they pass another hunter ( also a white pollock) who tells them if they grab the deer by the antlers they won't have dirt and leaves filling up the body cavity, great idea they say, they each grab an antler and head out.

    After about a mile, one pollock turns to the other and says, " you know that fella was pretty smart,we're not getting anymore dirt and leaves in the body cavity"

    "Yea," his buddy says, "but we're getting further and further from our truck"
    Last edited by davepool; 03-13-2012 at 10:10 PM.

  19. #59
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    A Pollock finds an old lamp and gets to rubbing it. Out pops a genie and says, "You get three wishes".

    The Pollock says, "I vant ze Mongols to invade Poland". "Fine", says the genie and the Mongols invade Poland with much fire and bloodshed and rape and a good time was had by all (Mongols).

    "For my second vish I vant ze Mongols to invade Poland". "You got it", says the genie and pillaging, plundering and general hilarity ensues.

    "I vant ze Mongols to invade Poland again", says the patriotic son of Warsaw. "OK", says the genie and another round of acrobatic horsemanship and be-headings on the storied banks of the Vistula visits the land of fields.

    The genie asks, "Why did you lay waste to your homeland three times with the worst barbarians ever to blacken History's pages? In the thousands of years I've been serving random assholes that rub my lamp I've never seen such a display of shit fuckery".

    The Pollock says, "Ze Mongols invade Poland three times but cross Russia six times".

  20. #60
    Team GunsNet Gold 05/2011

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    You're a Pollock, Germans are invading from the west, Russians from the east. Which way (assuming you don't shoot yourself on accident) do you shoot?

    West: Business before pleasure

    Same scenario but you're Czech

    East: Same reason

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