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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #121
    20 K-9's demonstrate how to beat the heat.

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/canin...-days-of-summe
    We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.
    George Orwell

  2. #122
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    No enemy of America would have ever been killed if they didn't show up to be killed. HDR

  3. #123
    Little Johnny and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand. Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Little Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little Johnny replies, "In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina." Again Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Gina makes five bucks a week and
    I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Little Johnny has put so much thought into this. "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you have everything figured out.

    "I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
    We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.
    George Orwell

  4. #124
    Senior Member tank_monkey's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by old Grump View Post
    Which one was the better kisser or didn't it matter to you.
    I don't kiss every woman I meet, ya know. I"m NOT old Grump! Which reminds me. An Oldie but Goodie....

    They got Godzilla, but sometimes we send over Old Grump to remind them what TRUE TERROR is!


  5. #125
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    No enemy of America would have ever been killed if they didn't show up to be killed. HDR

  6. #126
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Wink

    After Hillary Clinton's fall & concussion the other week Bill appeared at a press conference to field questions.

    A reporter in the crowd asked "How is Mrs Clinton's head?"

    Bill replied, "It's okay but she's no Monica Lewinsky".

  7. #127
    Team GunsNet Gold 03/2014

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krupski View Post
    Thank joke was quite intense.
    Thought that was where Arabs lived, intense.

  8. #128
    Team GunsNet Gold 03/2014

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    Quote Originally Posted by N/A View Post
    Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
    A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
    With the hooker, you're better acquainted with the pusher.

  9. #129
    Guns Network Lifetime Membership 01/2011 old Grump's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by tank_monkey View Post
    I don't kiss every woman I meet, ya know. I"m NOT old Grump! Which reminds me. An Oldie but Goodie....

    They got Godzilla, but sometimes we send over Old Grump to remind them what TRUE TERROR is!

    The dang fools ran out of Jack Daniels then they ran out of Asahi beer and then they took Rita Pavone and Petula Clark off the Juke box and I just couldn't stand it anymore. Fortunately nobody was seriously hurt and the minor injuries they suffered should heal without scars or any after effects. Seriously, how can you run out of Asahi.

    Roman Catholic, Life Member of American Legion, VFW, Wisconsin Libertarian party, Wi-FORCE, WGO, NRA, JPFO, GOA, SAF and CCRKBA


    "THE STATE THAT SEPARATES ITS SCHOLARS FROM IT WARRIORS WILL HAVE ITS THINKING DONE BY COWARDS AND ITS FIGHTING DONE BY FOOLS"

    THUCYDIDES.



  10. #130
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "Lady that's gotta be the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off...go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

  11. #131
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"

    Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

    Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!"

    Teacher: "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

    Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

    Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

    And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

    Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

  12. #132
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    I saw a cute cartoon the other day.

    Two dogs are talking, one says:
    "Have you ever wondered about Santa Claus? I mean, he sneaks into the house and no one sees him. He drinks a glass of milk, sneaks out again, and no one sees him for 12 months".

    The second dog says:
    You mean Santa Claus is a CAT????".

  13. #133
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    On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
    The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."

  14. #134
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

    I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'

    Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

    A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

    Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

    Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in that little basket

  15. #135
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    The Irish Hooker

    An Irishman is walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in
    the shadows. "Twenty quid," she whispers.

    Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides - what the hell, it's
    only twenty quid. So he joins her in the bushes.

    They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light
    flashes on them.

    It's a police officer. "'What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

    "I'm making love to me wife," the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

    "Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know".

    ''Well, needer did I," says Paddy, "til ya shoined dat light in her face!!"
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

  16. #136
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Sitting here trying to think of something to add, and all that popped into my mind is...

    Wonder if Muslims find out that the 72 virgins in Paradise are Catholic Nuns?
    No enemy of America would have ever been killed if they didn't show up to be killed. HDR

  17. #137
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by N/A View Post
    A termite walked into a bar and said where's the bar tender?
    Don't worry, you put up one of the best early on in the thread.
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

  18. #138
    Team Gunsnet Silver 02/14 - Moderator recon's Avatar

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    A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

    "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

    The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

    As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began
    walking faster.

    A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

    Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

    Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

    Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

    Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

    The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

    "Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"

    "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
    Buy It Cheap!
    Stack It Deep!

    Original Member-July-1999!

  19. #139
    Team Gunsnet Silver 02/14 - Moderator recon's Avatar

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    When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed.... You must promise never to look in it."

    In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

    After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad
    considering your problem."

    Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

    He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."
    Buy It Cheap!
    Stack It Deep!

    Original Member-July-1999!

  20. #140
    Forum Administrator Schuetzenman's Avatar

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    Good ones Recon! Especially the bronze Dimocrap.

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