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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #141
    Senior Member whiskeyman's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by recon View Post
    A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

    "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

    The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

    As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began
    walking faster.

    A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

    Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

    Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

    Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

    Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

    The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

    "Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"

    "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
    Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

  2. #142
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    I haven't seen one of these posted here in a while so I thought I'd start one.

    In the spirit of the upcoming election, here's mine :

    A black guy, a white guy, a muslim, an illegal alien, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. President?”


    What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?
    .......
    On St. Patrick's day, everyone wants to be Irish.



    (OMG senility must be setting in. Now I'm repeating my own posts from 3 years ago.......)
    Last edited by Krupski; 08-03-2015 at 09:32 PM.

  3. #143
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

    "Hi honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

  4. #144
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    My sister was so blonde, we had to burn down the school to finally get her out of 6th grade.
    No enemy of America would have ever been killed if they didn't show up to be killed. HDR

  5. #145
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Wink

    Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

    "What's your name?" asked the teacher.

    "Mohammad," he replied.

    "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

    Mohammad returned home after school.

    "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

    "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland, and now my name is Mike.

    "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

    And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father who came home and beat the shit out of him again.

    The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

    "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

    "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims!"
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

  6. #146
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    For the math wizards:

    What is a proof?




    One-half per cent of alcohol.


    -----------------

    The old man, at his wedding anniversary celebration, look wistfully across the room at his wife. Leaning over to a friend, he said "I've had 40 happy years with that woman".
    " 40 out of 50 is not bad for an old man".
    Last edited by N/A; 04-12-2017 at 06:43 PM.
    No enemy of America would have ever been killed if they didn't show up to be killed. HDR

  7. #147
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2013 alismith's Avatar

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    A woman was gazing at her naked body in the bedroom mirror. She turned to her husband and said, "My boobs are too small. I wish I could make them bigger."

    Her husband replied, "No problem. Just take some toilet paper and rub it between your boobs twice a day. They'll get bigger."

    The wife frowned, but said, "Okay, I'll give it a try."

    Three weeks later, again in the bedroom and in front of the mirror, his wife was looking at herself again and said to her husband, "I've rubbed toilet paper between by boobs, twice a day for three weeks and my boobs aren't any bigger. Are you sure this works?"

    Her husband looked at her and said, "Well, it worked for your ass, I don't see why it wouldn't work on your boobs."



    Her husband should be out of Intensive Care next week, but he'll, probably never be able to eat solid food again.
    "Valar morghulis; valar dohaeris."

    "Never say, "gun control" but instead say, "victim disarmament." - L Neil Smith

    Making good people helpless won't make bad people harmless.

    Freedom isn't free.

    "Attitude is the paintbrush that colors our world." TV Series, Haven.

  8. #148
    Senior Member tank_monkey's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    I haven't seen one of these posted here in a while so I thought I'd start one.

    In the spirit of the upcoming election, here's mine :

    A black guy, a white guy, a muslim, an illegal alien, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. President?”
    LOL> I was like WTF? This makes no sense, until I realized that you posted this back in 2012 when Obama was POTUS. Sorry, h ahahahahaha, I was seeing Trump walk in and the joke felt like the most bizarre thing in the world. How nice, eh? That the joke isn't reality any more

  9. #149
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Well, glad you got my joke I posted over 5 years ago.

    Now howz about putting one up of your own?
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

  10. #150
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by N/A View Post
    For the math wizards:

    What is a proof?




    One-half per cent of alcohol.


    -----------------

    The old man, at his wedding anniversary celebration, look wistfully across the room at his wife. Leaning over to a friend, he said "I've had 40 happy years with that woman".
    " 40 out of 50 is not bad for an old man".

    To expand on that a bit... back in the "old days" people who made and sold alcohol had to prove that there was as much alcohol as they claimed.

    A mixture of ethanol and water must be at least 38% (preferably 40%) in order to ignite and sustain a flame.

    So the test was to put a little gunpowder into a dish and pour some of the whiskey or whatever on it and light it on fire.

    If it burned and ignited the powder, it was "proof" that the whiskey was 100% "good".

    The "100% proof" was actually about 40% alcohol, so to be useful in "modern times", the 40 was bumped up to 50 so that "100 proof" meant "50% alcohol" and of course "200 proof" means pure alcohol.

    Note that it's impossible to produce pure 200 proof ethanol via distillation. At a concentration of 95.6 percent alcohol and 4.4 percent water, a mixture called an "azeotrope" is formed (i.e. both constituents have the exact same boiling point).

    This is similar to "eutectic" metal alloys where 2 or more metals are mixed together to lower the melting point. A good example is solder. A 63/37 ratio of lead to tin melts at a lower temperature than either pure lead or pure tin.

    Anyway, the azeotropic ethanol of 95.6 percent can only be purified to absolute 100 percent (200 proof) by chemically absorbing the rest of the water typically by the use of potassium hydroxide or sulfuric acid, then distilling off the pure ethanol in a closed system (so that it cannot absorb atmospheric moisture and become less than 100% again). Alcohol is very hygroscopic (it absorbs water).

    Fun facts for today.

  11. #151
    Team Gunsnet SILVER 05/2012 deth502's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krupski View Post
    To expand on that a bit... back in the "old days" people who made and sold alcohol had to prove that there was as much alcohol as they claimed.

    A mixture of ethanol and water must be at least 38% (preferably 40%) in order to ignite and sustain a flame.

    So the test was to put a little gunpowder into a dish and pour some of the whiskey or whatever on it and light it on fire.

    If it burned and ignited the powder, it was "proof" that the whiskey was 100% "good".

    The "100% proof" was actually about 40% alcohol, so to be useful in "modern times", the 40 was bumped up to 50 so that "100 proof" meant "50% alcohol" and of course "200 proof" means pure alcohol.

    Note that it's impossible to produce pure 200 proof ethanol via distillation. At a concentration of 95.6 percent alcohol and 4.4 percent water, a mixture called an "azeotrope" is formed (i.e. both constituents have the exact same boiling point).

    This is similar to "eutectic" metal alloys where 2 or more metals are mixed together to lower the melting point. A good example is solder. A 63/37 ratio of lead to tin melts at a lower temperature than either pure lead or pure tin.

    Anyway, the azeotropic ethanol of 95.6 percent can only be purified to absolute 100 percent (200 proof) by chemically absorbing the rest of the water typically by the use of potassium hydroxide or sulfuric acid, then distilling off the pure ethanol in a closed system (so that it cannot absorb atmospheric moisture and become less than 100% again). Alcohol is very hygroscopic (it absorbs water).

    Fun facts for today.
    worst. joke. EVAR.

  12. #152
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2013 alismith's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by deth502 View Post
    worst. joke. EVAR.
    Funny.....
    "Valar morghulis; valar dohaeris."

    "Never say, "gun control" but instead say, "victim disarmament." - L Neil Smith

    Making good people helpless won't make bad people harmless.

    Freedom isn't free.

    "Attitude is the paintbrush that colors our world." TV Series, Haven.

  13. #153
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by deth502 View Post
    worst. joke. EVAR.

    I guess. Looking at fun facts from the angle of humor certainly is no joke.

    Come to think of it, this post isn't funny either.

  14. #154
    Team GunsNet Bronze 10/2014

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    A FISHING STORY

    The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
    The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
    Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
    The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
    So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
    So the king hired the donkey.
    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
    The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the Democrats symbol was born!!!

  15. #155
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    I was standing at the bar in the International Terminal of my airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

    I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

    He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?

    "No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick"
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

  16. #156
    Senior Member TEN-32's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    I was standing at the bar in the International Terminal of my airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

    I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

    He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?

    "No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick"
    If you kick his ass you'll just want to fight again an hour later...
    Face your fear, accept your war.

  17. #157
    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Why don't black folks go on ocean cruises?



    They aren't falling for that trick again.
    No enemy of America would have ever been killed if they didn't show up to be killed. HDR

  18. #158
    Senior Member TEN-32's Avatar

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    Why no swimming pools in Mexico?


    The ones that can swim are here.
    Face your fear, accept your war.

  19. #159
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Wink

    The other day I needed to take a bus and the only seat available was next to a midget....err..little guy, so anyhow, I sit and we get on our way, suddenly the bus stops short and the guy slides down from the seat, so I grabbed him and helped him back on the seat, a few blocks later bus stops again and again the guy falls off the seat, being a nice guy that I am I grabbed him before he hit the floor and shoved him right back on his seat, but by the third time he fell off I finally told him, "Come on guy, grab something so you don't fall off".....He turned to me and said" Grab something you son of a bitch?...I've been trying to get off this bus three stops ago and you don't let me".
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

  20. #160
    Senior Member Full Otto's Avatar

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    Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies?
    They always leave a tip.
    For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe

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