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  1. #1
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Red face Joke Thread

    I haven't seen one of these posted here in a while so I thought I'd start one.

    In the spirit of the upcoming election, here's mine :

    A black guy, a white guy, a muslim, an illegal alien, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. President?”

  2. #2
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    I can't believe that nobody here doesn't has any good political (or otherwise) jokes.

    Don't be shy...put 'em up.

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    Senior Member BISHOP's Avatar

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    We're too buisy stocking up our doomsday bunkers.


    BISHOP

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    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    A guy driving through the country breaks down near an old farmhouse and walks up to use the phone to call a tow truck

    He knocks on the door and after few minutes the old farmer comes to the door and as he opens the door a three legged pig runs out of the house

    He uses the phone and as he turns to go wait for the tow truck he asks the farmer

    "what's the deal with that 3 legged pig?"

    Farmer says " well sir, that thar is a real special pig, nigh on to 3 months ago the farmhouse caught afire in the middle of the night and that thar pig run't into the house, woke us all up and saved our lives, yessir a real special pig"

    The guy nods and says " Ahh so that's how he lost his leg, in the house fire"

    " Nope,nope" says the farmer, " real special pig like that, you don't eat'em all at once"
    Last edited by davepool; 03-01-2012 at 09:27 PM. Reason: sp

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    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    A young insecure guy has worries about the size of his dick, so he goes to his doctor for help.

    "doc", he says " i'm kinda worried my dick's not big enough to satify a woman, is ther anything you can do?"

    The doctor examines him and says " you look normal to me, but i've heard of a technique where they transplant the truck from a baby elephant over your dick and had great success, i hear the ladies love it"

    young guy grins and says "lets do it !"

    Doc sets up the operation and it's sucessful.

    The next day the guys in front of the mirror admiring his new dick and decides he feels confident enough to ask the hot blonde babe at work out on a date. She accepts.

    the guy has plans to to take her to a fancy restaurant, wine and dine her and then go home and fuck her brains out with his new dick.

    things at the restaurant are going well,the wine is good, the conversation is good and she seems to be enjoying herself, the salads and dinner rolls are served and the guy thinks things are going well for his plans to take her home and fuck her silly

    when all of a sudden, the baby elephants truck comes up from under the table, grabs a dinner roll and goes back under the table

    she sees this and eyes wide open in amazement she says, " did you do that?"

    he nods and stammers, "yes, yes i did"

    "could you do it again?"

    "yea", he says, " but i don't think i could take having another dinner roll stuffed up my ass"
    Last edited by davepool; 03-01-2012 at 09:23 PM.

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    Catholic school bus crashes and kills all the high school aged Catholic school girls on board. At the Pearly Gates St. Peter says, "Most of you are going to get in but you have to make a last confession and purification".

    "Anna Kilpatrick, what is the extent of your sexual escapades, young lady?" "I gave Tom Collins a hand job, Saint Peter", said the master of Polish Karate. "Well then, young lady wash your hands in the Holy Water and you may pass".

    "Bernadene Shanrahan, what is the extent of your sexual activity?" "I kissed Mick O'Hurlehee's dick, Saint Peter", said Bernie. "Wash your lips with the Holy Water then pass through the gates", said Saint Peter.

    "Saint Peter!, Saint Peter! Please let me gargle the Holy Water!", cried Zoe O'Connor. "Before you make Mary Margaret Mackey wash her ass out with it!"

  7. #7
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by BISHOP View Post
    We're too busy stocking up our doomsday bunkers.


    BISHOP
    Was that you in Washington state?

    If you don't answer I'll know why.

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    Team GunsNet Platinum 02/2015 davepool's Avatar

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    A Texas police department is hiring and 3 blondes apply.

    The detective conducting the interview tells them that accurate observation and deduction is an important part of police work and that he will show them a photo for a few seconds and they are to tell him thier observations.

    He shows the first blonde the photo and asks for her observations.

    She says, " he has only one eye and one ear".

    "No shit " says the detective, "it's a photo of his profile, you're not police material you need to be more observant, you can leave".

    He quickly shows the photo to the second blonde.

    She says, " he has only one eye, one ear and he's ugly"

    "Seriously?" says the detective, "didn't you hear what i said to the first girl, you're not police material, you can leave".

    He turns to the last girl and says, " do better than the other two or you're out of here too" and he quickly flashes the photo.

    Not wanting to be kicked out the blonde thinks long and hard before answering and finally she says, " he wears contact lenses "

    Impressed, the detective looks up the record of the guy in the photo and discovers that indeed he does wear contact lenses and tells her she is very observant and she is police material.

    Curious about how she determined he wore contacts he asked how she deduced this info.


    " Well HEELLLOOO", she says, " with only one eye and one ear, he couldn't possibly wear glasses"

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post



    I can't believe that nobody here doesn't has any good political (or otherwise) jokes.

    Don't be shy...put 'em up.
    ok political joke on andrew breitbart. "I'm surprised I've never even heard of this guy"

    joke enough for you?
    While no one ever listens to me,
    I am constantly being told to be quiet.

    In a world of snowflakes,
    be the heat..

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    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....... Something she just loved to do.As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"Because ... She Replied ...... "I Really Miss Mine"

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    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Wink

    Looks like maybe I shoulda put this up in the RH from the replies, lol.

    Okay, here's a nice clean ethnic joke:

    A Polish guy walks into a hardware store and tells the guy at the counter he needs something to cut down trees with, his old axe is getting dull and he simply has too many trees on his property to clear. The hardware employee proceeds to show him a nice shiny brand-new chainsaw. Polish guy is impressed, so he buys it & leaves.

    A couple of days later he walks back into the store with the chainsaw, all dirty & sweaty; and says "There must be something wrong with this saw. It seems to be taking as long to cut down my trees with it as it did my old axe." The hardware guy looks it over: checks the sparkplug, gas in the tank, chain, etc.. & tells the Polish dude there's nothing wrong, and that he should go back and try again. Sometimes they take a little getting used to, and the Polish guy leaves.

    Next day Polish Guy is back at the store, and now he's pissed. He utters some swear words in Polski and proceeds to tell the employee the chainsaw still doesn't work, and that it is actually is harder to cut trees now then with his old axe. So the counter guy picks up the chainsaw, looks it over, gives the starter a yank, & it fires right up.

    Polish guy yells "What's that noise?!"
    Last edited by mrkalashnikov; 03-02-2012 at 07:43 AM.

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    Team GunsNet Silver 12/2011 N/A's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    Looks like maybe I shoulda put this up in the RH from the replies, lol.

    !"
    I posted my joke before and it lasted all of 30 seconds before it got sent to the RH and I was admonished that is where it belonged. When I saw all these others still up here, I thought I would bring it back.... to see what would happen.

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    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    Looks like maybe I shoulda put this up in the RH from the replies, lol.

    Okay, here's a nice clean ethnic joke:

    A Polish guy walks into a hardware store and tells the guy at the counter he needs something to cut down trees with, his old axe is getting dull and he simply has too many trees on his property to clear. The hardware employee proceeds to show him a nice shiny brand-new chainsaw. Polish guy is impressed, so he buys it & leaves.

    A couple of days later he walks back into the store with the chainsaw, all dirty & sweaty; and says "There must be something wrong with this saw. It seems to be taking as long to cut down my trees with it as it did my old axe." The hardware guy looks it over: checks the sparkplug, gas in the tank, chain, etc.. & tells the Polish dude there's nothing wrong, and that he should go back and try again. Sometimes they take a little getting used to, and the Polish guy leaves.

    Next day Polish Guy is back at the store, and now he's pissed. He utters some swear words in Polski and proceeds to tell the employee the chainsaw still doesn't work, and that it is actually is harder to cut trees now then with his old axe. So the counter guy picks up the chainsaw, looks it over, gives the starter a yank, & it fires right up.

    Polish guy yells "What's that noise?!"

  14. #14
    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    Looks like maybe I shoulda put this up in the RH from the replies, lol.

    Okay, here's a nice clean ethnic joke:

    A Polish guy walks into a hardware store and tells the guy at the counter he needs something to cut down trees with, his old axe is getting dull and he simply has too many trees on his property to clear. The hardware employee proceeds to show him a nice shiny brand-new chainsaw. Polish guy is impressed, so he buys it & leaves.

    A couple of days later he walks back into the store with the chainsaw, all dirty & sweaty; and says "There must be something wrong with this saw. It seems to be taking as long to cut down my trees with it as it did my old axe." The hardware guy looks it over: checks the sparkplug, gas in the tank, chain, etc.. & tells the Polish dude there's nothing wrong, and that he should go back and try again. Sometimes they take a little getting used to, and the Polish guy leaves.

    Next day Polish Guy is back at the store, and now he's pissed. He utters some swear words in Polski and proceeds to tell the employee the chainsaw still doesn't work, and that it is actually is harder to cut trees now then with his old axe. So the counter guy picks up the chainsaw, looks it over, gives the starter a yank, & it fires right up.

    Polish guy yells "What's that noise?!"


    What's the difference between Russian Roulette and Polish Roulette?

    Polish Roulette is played with a semi-auto pistol.

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    Administrator Krupski's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    I haven't seen one of these posted here in a while so I thought I'd start one.

    In the spirit of the upcoming election, here's mine :

    A black guy, a white guy, a muslim, an illegal alien, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. President?”


    What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?
    .......
    On St. Patrick's day, everyone wants to be Irish.



    (OMG senility must be setting in. Now I'm repeating my own posts from 3 years ago.......)
    Last edited by Krupski; 08-03-2015 at 09:32 PM.

  16. #16
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

    "Hi honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

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    My sister was so blonde, we had to burn down the school to finally get her out of 6th grade.
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  18. #18
    Senior Member tank_monkey's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrkalashnikov View Post
    I haven't seen one of these posted here in a while so I thought I'd start one.

    In the spirit of the upcoming election, here's mine :

    A black guy, a white guy, a muslim, an illegal alien, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. President?”
    LOL> I was like WTF? This makes no sense, until I realized that you posted this back in 2012 when Obama was POTUS. Sorry, h ahahahahaha, I was seeing Trump walk in and the joke felt like the most bizarre thing in the world. How nice, eh? That the joke isn't reality any more

  19. #19
    Team Guns Network Silver 04/2015 mrkalashnikov's Avatar

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    Well, glad you got my joke I posted over 5 years ago.

    Now howz about putting one up of your own?
    Nietzsche: From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.

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