Joke Thread

[mrkalashnikov]

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy recieved the $5.00 and duly sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those fucking crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks anyway,
Billy

[mrkalashnikov]

We're too busy stocking up our doomsday bunkers.


BISHOP

Was that you in Washington state?

If you don't answer I'll know why.

[davepool]

A Texas police department is hiring and 3 blondes apply.

The detective conducting the interview tells them that accurate observation and deduction is an important part of police work and that he will show them a photo for a few seconds and they are to tell him thier observations.

He shows the first blonde the photo and asks for her observations.

She says, " he has only one eye and one ear".

"No shit " says the detective, "it's a photo of his profile, you're not police material you need to be more observant, you can leave".

He quickly shows the photo to the second blonde.

She says, " he has only one eye, one ear and he's ugly"

"Seriously?" says the detective, "didn't you hear what i said to the first girl, you're not police material, you can leave".

He turns to the last girl and says, " do better than the other two or you're out of here too" and he quickly flashes the photo.

Not wanting to be kicked out the blonde thinks long and hard before answering and finally she says, " he wears contact lenses "

Impressed, the detective looks up the record of the guy in the photo and discovers that indeed he does wear contact lenses and tells her she is very observant and she is police material.

Curious about how she determined he wore contacts he asked how she deduced this info.


" Well HEELLLOOO", she says, " with only one eye and one ear, he couldn't possibly wear glasses"

[mrkalashnikov]

Krupski and El Duce pull up to the front door of the lumber yard and Krupski goes in to talk to the clerk coppertales. "I need 2x4's" says Krupski, "How long?" asks coppertales, "Just a second I will go check." Krupski runs out to the truck and has a long conversation with El Duce and then comes back in smiling. "We will need them a long time, we are building a house."

Posted w/ kind permission of Old Grump.

[N/A]

What do you call a homely professional "reproductive rights activist" who claims to needs $3,000 for contraception?
Dreaming.

[studmuffin]

A blond got a sea shell tattoo on the inside of her thai. She was showing it off to her blond friends and they all admired it. One asked what it was like to get it. The blond responded, that it was really cool. It was ichy at first, but if you put your nose close to it, that it smells like the ocean.

[N/A]

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

#1 rule about sex:
It's only kinky the first time.

What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with Megan Fox?
A Thank You note from Santa.

[rahatlakhoom]

DON'T MARRY A GIRL FROM INDIANA

> Three men married women from different parts of the country.

>

> The first man married a woman from California.

> He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a

> couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house

> and dishes washed and put away.

>

> The second man married a woman from New York.

> He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and

> the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he

> saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the

> dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

>

> The third man married a girl from Indiana.

> He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,

> laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the

> first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything

> but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see

> a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could

> fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some

> difficulty when he pees.

[davepool]

My wife told me the same joke when we met, only the girl was Irish......my wife is Irish


Well, gotta go, my dinner is burning and there's a sink full of dishes.....

[N/A]

I'm sending this eNote from the police station.

I had a little problem at the supermarket earlier today.

I was at the checkout and the cute cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Apparently she was talking about my debit card.

[rahatlakhoom]

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm collecting disability!"

[rahatlakhoom]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning, and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you, and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!", the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny said: "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[N/A]

Cougars in the wild.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQIZk...eature=related

[Krupski]

Looks like maybe I shoulda put this up in the RH from the replies, lol.

Okay, here's a nice clean ethnic joke:

A Polish guy walks into a hardware store and tells the guy at the counter he needs something to cut down trees with, his old axe is getting dull and he simply has too many trees on his property to clear. The hardware employee proceeds to show him a nice shiny brand-new chainsaw. Polish guy is impressed, so he buys it & leaves.

A couple of days later he walks back into the store with the chainsaw, all dirty & sweaty; and says "There must be something wrong with this saw. It seems to be taking as long to cut down my trees with it as it did my old axe." The hardware guy looks it over: checks the sparkplug, gas in the tank, chain, etc.. & tells the Polish dude there's nothing wrong, and that he should go back and try again. Sometimes they take a little getting used to, and the Polish guy leaves.

Next day Polish Guy is back at the store, and now he's pissed. He utters some swear words in Polski and proceeds to tell the employee the chainsaw still doesn't work, and that it is actually is harder to cut trees now then with his old axe. So the counter guy picks up the chainsaw, looks it over, gives the starter a yank, & it fires right up.

Polish guy yells "What's that noise?!"

[Krupski]

.....Two white pollocks have just shot a deer and are field dressing it before they drag it back to thier truck.....

Is there such a thing as a black pollock?

[Krupski]

I'm sending this eNote from the police station.

I had a little problem at the supermarket earlier today.

I was at the checkout and the cute cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Apparently she was talking about my debit card.

Good one!

[N/A]

Is there such a thing as a black pollock?

as opposed to a black pollack

http://afripol.org/archive/item/203-...-nigerian.html

[Krupski]

http://afripol.org/archive/item/203-...-nigerian.html

Who woulda thunk it?

[N/A]

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's clinic is one level higher." To that,the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

[Krupski]

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's clinic is one level higher." To that,the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

Dare I admit this?........ many years ago I had to take my girlfriend (not my wife) to the hospital to have a hot dog removed from her. The damn thing got sucked in and I couldn't get it even with needle-nose pliers.

(I know this one is going to come back to haunt me here - forever)